Do you ever realise how alone we are in this world?
My life is filled with many incredible people who I am eternally grateful for, but at the end of each day I come home from work, lay my head on my duck feather pillow and reach the same conclusive thought; I am alone.
Not alone in the sense that I wish I had a boyfriend or girlfriend to go to bed with each night and cuddle, because I don’t, and not alone in the sense that I have no friends or nobody to talk to, because I do, but alone in the sense that when all is said and done, the only person I can rely on, is me.
I spent 18 years of my life constantly relying on other people to see me through. When I was a child I relied on my parents to raise me and provide for me. This was completely okay and normal. When I was a young teen, I relied on validation and popularity from my friends and peers to make myself feel accepted. This was not okay, but unfortunately quite normal. When I was 16, I very heavily relied on my parents and siblings to help me recover from a deep battle with depression and anxiety. This was entirely okay, but only partially normal.
Before I go any further and offend someone I would like to affirm that it is 100% okay to not be okay! Nobody can be entirely self-reliant, and we all need that trampoline of support to fall onto sometimes, or in my case plummet.
I continued to rely on everybody surrounding me for so long, because that is what I had become accustomed to. Being able to count on my family to act as my safety net was like being wrapped in a big blanket of security; I was protected, and I was stable.
It came to the point where I stopped and pondered; at what point do we stop depending on others, and instead start to depend on ourselves?
Turning 19 was a huge wakeup call for me. I started to view my life from a third-party perspective, and I noticed myself obsessing over every part of my life that I didn’t like. I wasn’t happy with the path my future was heading down, and I soon realised that I couldn’t depend on other people to get me through this one; I needed to stand on my own two feet.
Nothing in life is ever a guarantee, and the tragedies we witness around us everyday are testament to that. We won’t always get tomorrow, so what’s the point in living your life if you don’t live it being your own person. My life had become comfortable with that sense of reliability I found in my loved ones, but fuck that shit. I don’t ever want my life to be comfortable. I want my life to be like jumping out of an aeroplane over and over again or staring down the edge of a cliff with your toes dangling off the edge.
I made the conscious decision to attempt to turn myself into a person that didn’t need to depend on anybody else; and fuck oath that’s what I did.
I stopped letting myself think that the only way I could be pretty was if boys told me so. I stopped telling myself that I could pay that bill with next weeks paycheck, and I decided to start saving. Instead of getting sad when something didn’t go as planned, I started reminding myself of all the things I am grateful for in my life.
Even though I have all these amazing people surrounding me, I am still alone. But you know what? That’s fine with me. Sure, sometimes I get lonely, and sure sometimes I feel a tear leave my eye when I lie in bed alone at night. I’m not going to sit here and pretend I can be this independent woman who doesn’t need anybody or anything except herself, because that’s not true; I do get lonely. 3 months ago I hated so many things about myself, and I would become obsessed over the fact that I might be alone forever. It’s taken me 3 months to accept the fact that I might just be a little too much for anybody to handle.
At the end of the day I know that it’s okay to be alone, because I’ve got myself. I will always be my own biggest fan, and nothing is going to change that.
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.” – Mahatma Gandhi