Do you ever wonder if you’re simply never going to be good enough for anyone? If every person who becomes a part of your life will sooner or later find a flaw too big for their taste and slip from your grasp?
I used to tell myself that it didn’t matter because I was so young, had such a big personality, and was still finding out who I was. Several years have passed since I started telling myself this, yet for some reason it doesn’t seem as comforting anymore.
Surely I’m not the only person who eats themselves away at the thought that nobody could possibly ever want to love them, am I? I know I always get the “you’re only just hitting your 20’s, enjoy your youth and don’t focus on that stuff!” but there’s this feeling I have deep down inside and I can’t seem to shake it.
I am exponentially aware that I can be a little high maintenance; it’s something I’m working on. But I have such a big heart and always see the good in people, no matter what they might have done to hurt me previously. My forgiving and loving nature is simultaneously my most loved and hated quality about myself. Sometimes it means I would do absolutely anything for a perfect stranger in a time of need, which is the part that I love. I guess that’s what made me want to become a nurse. But sometimes it also means I get walked over and taken for granted; people don’t see me as worth fighting for because they know I will always forgive them no matter the crime.
My whole life, I have never had that one person who was MY person. In primary school, I had an amazing group of friends (who I still love and cherish to this day), but I was always the third wheel. I was never excluded from the group, but nobody would really notice if I was gone. This pattern continued into high school, and the older I got the harder it was to ignore.
Everybody always seems to have that one best friend with whom they share this unbreakable bond. I’ve never had that. I don’t know why, but I’m guessing I have some incredibly deal breaking fault that nobody wants to tell me about.
This isn’t supposed to sound desperate or needy, and it’s not fishing for attention. I have spent near 20 years loving every part of myself, flaws and all, and I do, I really do love the person I am. My question is, what is the reason nobody else will love me? Because to be honest, I’m pretty fucking sick of loving myself. I want to love somebody else. I want my person. I’m Christina, and I deserve my goddamn Meredith (Grey’s anatomy reference for those of you who don’t watch the best show on the planet).
Occasionally my life feels like I’m just peddling but going nowhere. I guess I’m just saving all my love for some really special person one day who appreciates my qualities that some may see as flaws. Whoever that person may be, I hope they come along soon.